Anger is a powerful emotion. However, if there is one thing I have learned as a person in recovery and a therapist, it is that anger is a messenger. Oftentimes, anger signals an unmet need, a boundary being crossed, or sensory overwhelm. For others, anger can be a danger sign and can lead them to compromise their safety and/or recovery. Luckily anger has indicators we can watch out for and ways to cope and maintain our recovery.
What is anger?
According to the American Psychological Association, anger is an emotion characterized by feeling antagonized or feeling like someone has deliberately harmed you. While anger can sometimes be a good and appropriate thing, according to the APA, in terms of expressing negative feelings and problem-solving, excessive anger can cause physical, emotional, and relational problems.
Some of the ways anger might show up behaviorally include:
- Avoidance
- Defensiveness
- Conflict
- Raised voice
- Sweating
- Threatening behavior
- Insulting others
- Pacing
- Shutting down
Anger as a messenger
I believe anger is a normal emotion. In certain recovery circles, however, we are taught to fear anger, among other “negative” emotions that are labeled as “character defects.” I disagree. I believe that all emotions—including anger—serve a powerful function. They are messengers, communicating important messages to us, like:
A boundary has been crossed
When people violate my boundaries, I feel very angry. Sometimes I even feel rage. Once a therapist had worked through this powerful emotion with me, I came to see it was a vivid flag that I felt violated and that I needed to implement a boundary with someone who had harmed me.
An unmet need
Perhaps we feel anger in response to rejection or to receiving negative feedback. In these cases, the anger is telling us we may need self-compassion, to be reminded of our value, and to strengthen our coping mechanisms. For example, I once worked for a boss who was the daughter of an English teacher, and she liked to keep an accuracy percentage to reflect any typos I had made in letters. My anger at her reminded me that I was human, my mistakes were not deliberate, and that perhaps criticism was a way my boss created control when she felt out of control in other areas of her life. This let me brush it off (and get another job).
The desire to communicate
As a neurodivergent person, I sometimes feel anger and frustration when I feel misunderstood. In this way, anger signals to me that I must communicate with the person to correct that misunderstanding or to assert my needs. For instance, I can feel escalating anger and frustration when people include me in group texts that send notifications throughout the workday when I am trying to focus on my work. It’s okay that I don’t want to receive group messages. My anger in this situation reflects my need to tell others about my communication preferences and to let them know that I won’t respond to group messages. It also signals to me the need to use a do-not-disturb function and keep my phone on silent.
Neurodivergence and disability justice
Many people in recovery have multiple co-occurring mental health and physical conditions. I have ADHD, autism, and numerous physical disabilities. Together, this means I have less energy than fully able-bodied people and that I communicate and process information in different ways. It can be exhausting when others assume I am able-bodied, and I can feel angry when I am expected to respond and act in the same ways many other people do. For instance, I worked in a job that required me to go to and from an office twice a day, which I found debilitating. To access resources in the office, I had to get up, lock my door, walk into another room, retrieve items, and carry them back to my office. If you’re not disabled, you may not perceive how many steps are involved in what seems like simple tasks, nor the pain that might cause. However, the onus is usually on the disabled person to constantly assert their needs and negotiate for accommodations meaning more labor and energy expense.
These frustrations might seem petty to others, but when you are able-bodied, you do not consider these factors. Just like the world is neurotypical, it is also very ableist. Those of us who are neurodivergent or disabled are often “othered” or told we’re asking for too much. But when I have disabilities that give me a finite amount of energy, I don’t want to spend my time negotiating with an employer to have my simple needs met.
The same applies to social events. For some disabled, neurodivergent people, being invited to events in the evening during the week can be very frustrating, as they have to explain (again) that they can’t attend. After a while, instead of accommodating the needs of their disabled friend by organizing a daytime weekend social event, it’s common to just … stop inviting them to events, as it’s “too much work.” Again, the onus is on the neurodivergent person to assert their needs. These are issues of disability justice, which means creating equitable access.
These are what anger often signals in me. Take a little time and think about what anger is telling you when you feel it.
Anger triggers
I’ve discussed many of my anger triggers and why they serve as important messengers for me. For others, anger triggers—just like relapse triggers—might include:
- Loss of a loved one
- Abuse
- Injustice, unfairness, or discrimination
- Trauma
- Conflict
- Revenge, like folks who might use substances as an “f- you” to others who made them angry
- Hormonal changes
- Upsetting events, like natural disasters or traffic collisions
- Health challenges
- Mental health disorders
Tips to tackle anger in recovery
I said that I don’t think anger is necessarily a bad thing, and I meant it. But if anger is getting out of control for you, is causing problems in your life, or is happening too often (like if you feel angry all the time), there are things you can do to help. Anger management tips include:
- Know your warning signs: Identify the ways anger shows up in your life and watch out for them.
- Anger thermometer: This tool is a great way to identify triggers and visualize how your anger escalates. Knowing this can help you to better diffuse anger before it gets too intense.
- Keep an anger log: Journal the days and times you are experiencing anger. Try to describe what happened during the event by sticking to the facts, assessing your needs, and noting the thoughts you had. For instance, if you were hungry and tired, you may be more prone to react. Some ways to change that might include meal prep and eating regularly.
- Practice time out: If you notice that you’re feeling particularly angry, take a step back from the situation until you can respond calmly instead of reacting instinctually.
- Deep breathing: You can create regulation and move out of an anger state by practicing deep breathing. One pattern is box breathing: simply breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and breathe out for four seconds.
- Use diversions: Find something to distract you, like working out, listening to music, dancing, playing a game, taking your dog for a walk, spending time in the garden, taking your shoes off and standing on the grass (grounding), cleaning the house, or re-organizing a room.
